DISK DHARMA🥏 ☯️
attention-mind architecture, or: the basic moves of life and ultimate are the same
entering into a three-day retreat, i sit upright and notice the patterns of my mind.
they are linked to this body — deviations from the zazen posture are causally tied to what arises in my mind. hard to tell which comes first, in the beginning.
at the start of the retreat, it feels like a fucking slog. I follow my breath, trying to cut through the constant bubbling of thoughts and imagination, but it feels like hacking through a jungle with a dull knife.
it’s slow, hot, tangled, ragged — and goes on without end.
i am swimming in my head, bouncing back and forth between concentration —sustained awareness on my tanden / breathing — and the myriad of images, simulations, conversations, and sensations that roil and stir inside.
at times, it feels hopeless — yet we continue on; again, and again and again; we return to the breath…and eventually, this Mind begins to change.
questions architect the Mind
incense burns. bells ring. we stretch and sit again.
birds call outside, and i watch the slow dance of shadows and sun.
guided in meditation by our teacher, I often return to these questions:
Why am I here?
What is the true purpose of this life?
What is this life-energy HERE, right now?
What is this?
they settle in me, open up my body, return me to the place of the present — in a stance of steady attunement, of ongoing investigation into the phenomenon of life in this world.
by the end of day two, the jungle thins and clears.
my breath passes through my body like a blade through the air, cutting clear a space that is open, quiet, vast, & calm. in this space, I notice the patterns that i was too close to see before:
i notice how my body shifts the instant before i lose concentration, opening space for thoughts to enter my world.
i notice the tendency to move from the present into the future, to prep and plan.
i notice the tendency to drop into memories of the past.
i notice talking to myself, rehearsing, running through conversations that both did and have not yet occurred, simulating what could be…
fear & the intimate present
all told, i notice a tendency to move away from the present, to escape this moment, to avoid the direct relationship of intimacy with the world. there is a sense, perhaps, of “oh no — here I am TOTALLY bare.”
it sparks memories of past fears — fears of making mistakes; mistakes meaning i’m bad; being bad meaning i’m not safe — hence being fully present, intimate & authentic — i’m not safe!
and so from this intimate present i do retreat.
but here, in training, I have the opportunity to face the Present, to observe what I can of its base — and this is what I see:
RECEIVE
with this breath, I receive all that I can of what’s given to me — understanding, at least conceptually, that it’s all fabricated, all produced by my mind, by my way of looking, & our karma. I ask:
what is this life-energy HERE, right now?
this question invites me to explore, to embrace the Present, to accept it all as fully as I possibly can — and this done, thus full, only one move remains:
RELEASE
you let go.
you give it up.
you offer the breath back to the world — you offer it completely —
and breath returns to you.
you do so again and again, for it was never yours to hold without end —
you were given this life to give — there was never anything to hold on to.
just as in Ultimate frisbee:
you receive the Present (the Disk);
you hold it in your Mind;
and you realize there is only one thing you can do:
RELEASE
so the question becomes: how do you give it up?
how do you hold this moment? how do you wield your attention?
how do you release the disk?
basically — what game are you playing, and to what end?
how do you share your limited attention with the life around you?
what lies between 2 breaths?
in ultimate, what lies between is no more than 10 seconds.
in this space you scan the moving relational field, listen to your body, and pivot.
you are looking for where / how to release the disk — how to give it to the greatest benefit for your team.
in other words, you investigate.
then the time comes:
you answer the call, release the disk — risk everything — and through that voluntary act of giving up control, the play becomes alive.
the disk flies.
and someone gets the chance to receive it again, to hold the object of attention & desire — to share in the power of play and make a decision where the stakes could not be higher.
to what end do we Aspire?
so, what lies between two breaths?
one way of looking at is the opportunity to investigate and aspire.
on the field of ultimate, we aspire to have fun, to score points, to play a beautiful game and pull each other higher — to do the best we possibly can.
in life, how do you aspire?
vows, visions, and living questions
these are among the most powerful ways I know to architect the mind.
they function like vertical anchor, pulling you towards their center merely be holding or chanting it your mind.
since our psyche shapes our perception, just taking up a vow re-writes the architecture of your mind, subtly altering the frame through which you process life, inviting you to live in a way that makes it come true.
for example, you can just take up the bodhisattva vows & notice, overtime, how they affect you:
Myriad beings without number — Vow to liberate them
Greed & hate are limitless — Vow to end them
Gates of Truth without measure — Vow to know them
Awakened way without compare — Vow to fulfill it
it doesn’t have to be these ones, and they don’t have to stay the same forever — the important thing is that it is your genuine aspiration for how you want to give your life.
what is this for you?
RECEIVE & RELEASE
each moment can be opportunity to practice.
each breath can be a cycle of gratitude, acceptance, devotion, and surrender.
we can choose how we live — and give — this life in between; as it’s always been:
together.
in peace & friendship — river
p.s. sample of tunes i wrote this to! may it bring u peaceful, melodic flow with all that you do :)