howdy friend,
i wish i could say that i’ve found my stride, but the truth is i spent most of today watching The Expanse and making meals for myself.
im finding it very hard to live without any form of social community, and it turns out the familiar English, gripping story arc, and emotional connection offered by one of my favorite sci-fi shows can fill in that absence — at least in way.
i find myself torn.
on the one hand, i genuinely enjoy it - and the show will end soon enough. why feel bad?
at the same time, using the Expanse as a substitute like this makes me feel more hollow - and makes it harder to create sustained meaning myself.
right now, i’m a solitary figure in a strange land, unable to speak the language or find friends with ease. for the first time in my life, i am truly on my own.
and this is just a phase, a stage, a breath of life in transition. i know this to be true.
soon enough, i'll be back in a realm i understand, with family and work giving structure to my days and local happiness in my life.
until then, this absence is an opportunity — one to focus on what I truly want to see more of, explore a new world, and to see what identities come forth.
the hard part isn’t finding something to do — it’s narrowing my focus down to what truly matters to me, not getting overwhelmed by how much comes to mind, and showing up for small, little steps each day.
its trusting that it’s okay to be alone, without a plan, in a place i don’t understand.
and its taking the plunge — initiating conversations knowing that i can’t hold them, because if i don’t — people here will give me space. that’s one thing I learned.
i can’t count on other’s curiosity to open doors. i need to be brave, proactive, and reach out. and that honestly scares the shit out of me.
but i’ll try my best to do it tomorrow, and the day after that, until my last day here.
so i wanna share one of my most peaceful moments:
back in tokyo, in Yoyogi park, i found myself sitting under a tree at golden hour, listening to the world and watching a crow ruffle its’ feathers. something about this struck me as profound, and i wrote this little something:
RUFFLE FEATHERS
fight the static
illusions of caricature
melt and meld
make love
here & now
Us
only lasts
a breath
i’ll continue ruffling my feathers, shaking up my life internal and external to see magic falls out. and if you wanna give me a boost out here and receive some extra goodies like poems, a weekly round-up, and a monthly invite to a gathering of the Stone Clan,
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All my love,
Sam