ok folks, its been a while since a non-story style stepping stone here.
crazy to think that we are 1/3rd of the way through the year, but time is nothing but an illusion, ya hear? anywho, i’ve been thinking about what it means to be a Self in this world, and a few people have been teaching me some potential answers.
Self-Inquiry…
to be a Self is to be a multitude composed of countless parts.
to be a Self is to be born into Connection, to travel into Separation, and to forever oscillate in-between, learning from each voyage and journey. as we go about this process, I believe we can learn how to view Separation as a form of connection itself, and how to deepen the forms of Connection we share with others, with nature, and ourselves.
i ran one such practice last week at the Warwick Library called Sonderlust. Sonder comes from the dictionary of obscure sorrows, a decade+ long creative project by one John Koenig who coins terms to describe niche emotional experiences of this human life. Sonder is defined as:
n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.
romantic, isn’t it?
i find sonder to be fascinating. it evokes awe and wonder at the complexity of the world, and reminds me that Mystery is always just around the corner, waiting to be seen.
i believe the invisible stories of our lives and the lives that cross our own are ripe grounds for the seeds of connection to bloom, and so I organized a gathering to put to this theory to the test.
below is a copy of the handout from the Warwick Story Hour Sonderlust event — I welcome you to try it out, adapt it, or ask any questions about the practice:
About: This co-creative event is brought to you by Ivan Ussach & River Stone to foster deeper connection in our relationships and in the town of Warwick. This work pulls from the Art of Accomplishment. Thank you for joining us tonight – we hope you enjoy it!
7:00pm — Welcome!
Frog & Toad
Grounding
Purpose
We are here to relax and deepen our connection to each other and all the relationships in our lives by sharing stories of the most meaningful people in our lives.
Expectations:
Embodying VIEW - A mindset for deeper connection.
Vulnerability — Speaking authentically, even when it’s scary.
Impartiality — No agenda for the conversation.
Empathy — Holding space for the story / emotions.
Wonder — Approaching the moment with curiosity & awe.
If you were the speaker, what would VIEW mean to you?
If you were the listener, what would VIEW mean to you?
7:10pm — Small Group Circles:
Opening: Gratitude rounds
Brainstorming - 3 minutes.
Think of somebody that has been incredibly meaningful in your life. Think of somebody that you love. Think of all the people who have touched you, shaped you, moved you, and loved you into being the person you are today. Focus on that feeling of love and meaning, and write down all the names that come up in one steady stream. 3 minutes, go.
Story writing - 8 minutes.
Look at the list you’ve just written. remember the chapters of life you’ve shared, the memories you created, and the ways they’ve changed you. Notice where your mind is drawn to. Take 8 minutes to write more deeply about any of the names calling to you at this moment.
Sonderlust - deep listening & story-swapping - 20 minutes.
One on one story-sharing. Tell the stories you wrote, or lean into one’s that are rising spontaneously!
Rotate partners after every exchange.
We will go for at least three rounds.
7:45 Small Circle Questions:
At this point, your small group can talk together about observations that arose between the shared stories, and any reflections on the experience itself…
What was this experience like for you? How did you feel while sharing? While listening to others share? What stood out to you? What did you learn? What, if anything, did you notice the stories shared?
7:55pm — Community Closing:
Reflection – What are you feeling now? How was this experience?
Intention - When you think of all these people, how do you want to live?
Invitation — Feedback & Follow Up Resources:
Review: How did the first Sonderlust workshop go?
overall, i felt like the night was a massive success. 10 people gathered around in a circle, read outloud “The Story” from frog and toad, did some reflective journaling, and shared two rounds of personal life stories in different pairs.
at the end, people reported feeling warmth & connection. several people exchanged phone numbers. one person reflected that in the beginning, it was hard to come up with stories — but as they sat listening, more and more stories began to rise up spontaneously.
given the experience, i truly believe that sonderlust is a viable practice for deepening connection in pairs and small groups. something about sharing the stories of the people dearest in your life (and not talking directly about your self) seems to offer a window into the heart of the person sitting across from you.
effectively, this practice feels like speed-running intimacy. it gives people the chance to share and be seen, to practice listening and storytelling, and to connect at a deeper level than the standard flow of social interactions.
looking ahead: sonderlust #2+
moving forward, i’d absolutely like to run more iterations of this practice.
if i were to run this again in the same setting, i would prioritize making more time for the sonderlust story-swap process. this feels like the meat and potatoes. people GOT GOING and really could have said more. with this in mind, i feel there is something beneficial about connecting with a diverse number of people and thus having a pre-stated time-constraint for each conversation.
so, next time, i will set a clear expectation of how long each round will go with a timer (say, 7-10 minutes). it might be worth explicitly stating that the rounds ought to be balanced, reciprocal story-sharing; this was not the case in each pair for us.
a few more thoughts in closing:
a fireplace feels like it would be the perfect setting for a group practice of sonderlust. the darkness, the shared center, the sitting circle, and the crackling flame would make a beautiful setting for intimate sharing & deep listening. if you try this out (or want to host this with me) please reach out!
recording and creating a digital collection of these stories (in the vein of StoryCorp) would be a very cool project…
this practice would work pretty well in any English or Language classroom. it generates a massive number of characters in your life; each of which represents countless follow-up questions and stories. by combining both writing and verbal dialogue, this feels like an excellent foundational practice.
further constrains (for example, focusing on a certain type of relationship, or moments that changed your life, etc) could add depth to the discussions. fun thing to play around with!
reconnecting
all told, i’m happy i took sonderlust to the next level, and grateful to all who showed up. i promised i’d share a feedback form, so you can find that here. i’m most interested in what you enjoyed most & what you would like to see next.
if you have positive feedback and are willing to write a short testimonial, i’d been honored if you shared that as well (found in the same link above).
ok — that’s all for now.
thanks for reading, keep being you, and i’ll leave you with one last line that has been afire for me lately:
I am committed to being the fullest expression of myself.
all my love,
sam | river 🦦🥏
I really enjoyed this workshop even though I tend to be shy. You did a great job facilitating this workshop
It feels so good to have meaningful connection with people you don’t know.
Thankyou Sam for doing this great work and helping people to remember how to connect. I love the commitment to being the fullest expression of self!!!!!!!